Just had an interesting chat with my old bud, Doodiee, in YM. She and I used to drive (in her car – she’s driving :p) around CyberJaya, Putrajaya, Serdang, everywhere – together. Once we drove up to KLIA, went to McD, got ourselves some sundae, and sat watching clouds. Anyway… she wrote a beautiful piece in a Friendster’s blog. I asked her whether she ever thought of writing short stories or poems or anythg. She said yeah, just that she wasn’t sure what to write and she was afraid to reveal herself. She got these goosebumps and cold-sweats when it comes to facing her inner demons – she believed she was not good enough a person, and that she deserved the (self-inflicting) suffering and depressions she’s facing now.

I remember reading an article in a personal coaching websites on the common irrational ideas people harbor in them which are actualy the underlying causes for their mental/emotional disturbance. Among others the beliefs that one is not good enough to be loved, one is not worth enough to live, one is never gonna accomplish anythg in one’s life.. and lotsa other similar uber-pessimist thoughts.

Pondering on the bitterness in my friend’s words, I found that I am not different from her. How many time I have to give myself pep talk to boost my morale, to give sorta extra something to my wanned self-confidence. I have long accepted who I am and while I hope my mother never finds out, I cannot be untruthful to myself that I am who I am now. It helps me to plan my life and understand others who are like me. Nevertheless, I cannot help but feel my mother’s dissapointment should she learn the truth. I fear that she would fall sick as she is prone to. I love her, and I dont want her to feel sad and most of all – dissapointed. I couldnt be arsed about the rest.

Then my man.. .. the closest thing to a husband to me. He is wonderful to my son, a good friend, a good person. Though we agreed that we are not going to walk down the aisle and stand at the altar, I couldnt help but grieving the fact that no matter how much I love and cared for him, we will never be together. The path is clear – I want to be married one day. He doesnt want marriage. We want different things, dream different hopes, believe different faith. I should move on and give myself another chance for love with someone who, hopefully, dream similar hopes, want the same things and believe the same faith. Yet I tarry.. I dawdle.. I hesitate. Holding on to a relationship that is going no where. It’s preposterous. It’s unfair to me and to him, and Daniel. It’s just… unthinkable. It’s like laughing and crying at the same time – he makes me happy and at the same time he is breaking my heart.

I know the way out, but I sabotage myself by staying. Because I love him. And love rarely bring happiness to me.