A Letter From A Recluse

 September 2004

Dearest all, 

i know i havent been a very good friend to some of you, there had even been enmity between us, and then again these misunderstandings can be mended (hopefully)… i am a bit pensive these days, the thought of our mortality and the salvation of our soul gnawing in my heart. Am i forgiving enough? Am i a loving person? As to quote a friend’s word, we can exemplify love and be an emmisary of love without necessarily being in a love relationship. i want love, but maybe i mistaken it with romance.. or maybe a combination of both.. i found love and i lost love… sometimes i wonder if i am capable to love .. wanting to love is really ..superficial…  and is not what love is all about. i realized that after going through lots of mental cogitation and experienced heartbreaking moments .. i am far from perfect, but i think i’m a pretty loving person and a person worthy of being loved. in spite of that, i am a loner at the moment.. i have met people..for very different reason.. but being someone now doesnt eliminate the loneliness.. instead… i am more lonelier than before.. .. but then again, i would do some spontaneous thing like driving to a friends house at night just to have someone to have dinner with.. so if i look at myself superficially, i am a pretty recluse right now, but i know in my heart, i’m a fairly gregarious person.  so what is this reclusion doing in my life? why do i shy away from people? maybe it’s because i am afraid of being hurt, cause hurt haunts me like a poltergeist from my past.. i find it hard to move on without breaking contact with my own inner demon. it clutches me in its vise-like grip. how do i break free from it? it hinders me from seeing the bigger picture.. but then again, how many of us know what this bigger picture of life is all about…  ”hell is truth seen too late” a friend of mine quoted once.. well, maybe hell is not far off.. maybe it is within us.. the mind, our own private hell that devour us in small ingestions that lasted in long excruciating minutes.. there, i am that depressed, dispirited person again, trying to grasp this need to reevaluate my life..  i am feeling a bit rhetorical right now.. just bear with me..  on the hindsight, i know i love you all, though i repeat, i havent been a good friend to some of you and maybe a bit unfair and judgmental and biased in terms of forming my own ideas to some of you.. please remember that…  i dont want a day goes by in my life without even trying to mend and renew broken trust between friends cos i dont know when my number will come up… I LOVE YOU. I CARE FOR YOU. REMEMBER THAT EVEN IF YOU DONT BELIEVE THAT.MMWWUUUAHHHHHH!!!