Although attending meetings and courses can be very tiring and troublesome in terms of logistics, transportation and accommodations, begrudgingly I admit I do look forward to meeting the people attending the meeting/courses. There are always stories, ideas and news swapped and shared that I could use to evaluate my life.

This week I found myself in Kuala Lumpur again to attend a meeting and a course – back to back – at a pseudo- 4 star hotel there. My roommate is a lovely charming lady from the headquarter, and since she is the desk officer for the auditing program and I am one of the auditor, we had some lively discussions on the program we are attached in, the issues and constraints we are facing, the policies, the standards and so much more. But I am not going to bore myself talking about work. Last night we were talking about two of our big bosses at the headquarter who amazingly able to juggle meetings (locals & internationals), brainstorming on any updates, monitoring of responsibility, overseeing staffs, family commitment, education and personal life. These are highly efficient people who succeessfully excel in their career as well as in personal life – their children are smart and also excel in their studies, the husbands are wonderfully competent to manage the children while they are away. It almost too good to be true, and yet it is true. Whilst I am sure these two women are not exempted from life trials and tribulations, it is interesting to note that they effectively and efficiently manage these crises, turning problems into manageable challenges and brave enough to take calculative risk. They made changes with their passionate and faith in the system. Not forgetting that these two women also fall back to religion as the foundation of their life. Amazing!

While I have heaps and heaps of praise for them, I can’t help but to reflect their success to myself. If they can do it, what’s stopping me? We are all been given 24 hours – no more and no less. Within this period we have our work and personal life all thrown in. It’s like a big box with certain objects with different sizes. How are going to fit our work and personal life, and those in between that, within 24 hours? how are we going to arrange these objects inside the box without them tumbling down afterwards?

The magic word – Time management! If we allocated our time accordingly, given priority to some matters more than others, learn to say no to trivial, less important matters, I believe we could achieve what these superwomen achieved. I am sure we can find so many websites offering personal coach for time management and effective planning for our career and also personal life. There is no magic elixir or spell that can add extra hours in our day, nor to magically alter your hours to run slower than usual. Your 24 hours is as same as my 24 hours. What you able to do is likely what I will be able to do.

But! Ahhh the over-used word. But no two individual is the same. What works for you might not work for me. No two individuals are the same. Individuals are made up of personalities, and even similar individuals do not share the same outlook and beliefs. So while I admire and have heaps and heaps of praises to these amazing women, I know I am in no rush to achieve that position. I don’t think it is wrong of me to not be too ambitious. I wanna enjoy my work as it is. As I like to do when on the train – look outside the window, see the clouds and smell the nature. I’ll worry what time the train would reach the station later.

Wanna join me? *smile*

NATO regrets deaths but says Taliban “behead, burn”

http://thestar.com.my/news/story.asp?file=/2007/7/4/worldupdates/2007-07-04T011824Z_01_NOOTR_RTRMDNC_0_-283064-1&sec=worldupdates

I cringed with disgust and horror at above statement for the man who is supposedly overseeing peacemaking and peacekeeping activities of NATO at war-plagued and conflict-inflicted regions.

“Our opponent mixes and mingles with innocent civilians. They are in a different moral category,” De Hoop Scheffer said.  “We do not intentionally kill; they behead people, they burn schools, they kill women and children. Let us not forget.” >>> Mr De Hoop, killing, plundering and raping for whatever reasons – intentionally or unintentionally – are hideous crimes. Do not justify the ‘accidental’ murders of Afghan civilians as mere accident and unfortunate events. These people’s life are torn apart and destroyed – do you think such explanation will easily douse the fiery hatred and injustice they face?

Guess what name is being googled & searched for extensively in Malaysia? Yep, the poor lass – Altantuya Shaaribu – RIP. Its interesting to see people from all walk of life – the makcik pisang goreng at her stall to businessman attending power lunch to politicians napping away in Parliament (oopss!!). Everyone is talking about the case passionately and fervently. One after another theories of conspiracy sprouted up from among the solid gold piece of news and the debris of media junk.

I dont want to talk about the theories. Let’s leave that to Mel Gibson to worry about. I cant help but notice Razak Baginda (RB)’s family who have been unwavering lending him support ever since the whole saga-shit started. The words on the t-shirt they wear day-in-day-out – “I Am Razak Baginda’s wife/dotter/father/brother/sister/friends…” and at the  back “.. And Proud Of It” really an eye-catcher. Such strong support really spells out what type of person RB is to his family. He must be a good son/husband/father/ brother/cousin/uncle etc etc to his family. It really takes more than blood & flesh relationship for anyone to stand behind a man who is under convinction of horrendous, terrible crime. It is faith. You wouldnt have faith in something that you don’t know and don’t believe. 

Some people fumed how come his family could stand up to an adulterer (i read somewhere that he admitted having an affair with the lass), and a murderer (still debatable, lets not get too excited there). I think these people underestimate the power of forgiveness (of his family to his sins – if he is guilty of it) and love (only love enable you to look beyond the shortcomings of a person).

I feel sorry for the aches, hurt, pain and torment caused by the terrible fate that entwined these two families. I cannot pass my judgement whether he is guilty or innocence - for both the murder & adultery – for it is easier to say this person is wrong/right than to wear his shoes and live his life, and understand what is truly going on. I know justice will prevail - be it significantly or secretly, here or in the hereafter.  

Just had an interesting chat with my old bud, Doodiee, in YM. She and I used to drive (in her car – she’s driving :p) around CyberJaya, Putrajaya, Serdang, everywhere – together. Once we drove up to KLIA, went to McD, got ourselves some sundae, and sat watching clouds. Anyway… she wrote a beautiful piece in a Friendster’s blog. I asked her whether she ever thought of writing short stories or poems or anythg. She said yeah, just that she wasn’t sure what to write and she was afraid to reveal herself. She got these goosebumps and cold-sweats when it comes to facing her inner demons – she believed she was not good enough a person, and that she deserved the (self-inflicting) suffering and depressions she’s facing now.

I remember reading an article in a personal coaching websites on the common irrational ideas people harbor in them which are actualy the underlying causes for their mental/emotional disturbance. Among others the beliefs that one is not good enough to be loved, one is not worth enough to live, one is never gonna accomplish anythg in one’s life.. and lotsa other similar uber-pessimist thoughts.

Pondering on the bitterness in my friend’s words, I found that I am not different from her. How many time I have to give myself pep talk to boost my morale, to give sorta extra something to my wanned self-confidence. I have long accepted who I am and while I hope my mother never finds out, I cannot be untruthful to myself that I am who I am now. It helps me to plan my life and understand others who are like me. Nevertheless, I cannot help but feel my mother’s dissapointment should she learn the truth. I fear that she would fall sick as she is prone to. I love her, and I dont want her to feel sad and most of all – dissapointed. I couldnt be arsed about the rest.

Then my man.. .. the closest thing to a husband to me. He is wonderful to my son, a good friend, a good person. Though we agreed that we are not going to walk down the aisle and stand at the altar, I couldnt help but grieving the fact that no matter how much I love and cared for him, we will never be together. The path is clear – I want to be married one day. He doesnt want marriage. We want different things, dream different hopes, believe different faith. I should move on and give myself another chance for love with someone who, hopefully, dream similar hopes, want the same things and believe the same faith. Yet I tarry.. I dawdle.. I hesitate. Holding on to a relationship that is going no where. It’s preposterous. It’s unfair to me and to him, and Daniel. It’s just… unthinkable. It’s like laughing and crying at the same time – he makes me happy and at the same time he is breaking my heart.

I know the way out, but I sabotage myself by staying. Because I love him. And love rarely bring happiness to me.

<< Of your future I can say this …. It will be far happer than your past. Sorrows of yesterday, though never forgotten, will fade in their intensity as time passes.

You are incredibly fortunate to be loved totally and unquestionably by a young male person. He is your son. Nurture him and love him as you do and he will never let you down. Encourage you man to spend time with your son doing the things that dads and sons do. He will become a better man for it. Football , fishing, flying a kite.

Elsewhere in your future …I see the poissibility of a long journey one day, possibly to another country, with economic benefit to you and your family. You arent ever going to be rich but you will reach a point where you want for nothing.

Sexually, you will let yourself become much less self-restrained. Youre a very beautiful woman and you really must enjoy being a beautiful woman more in future.

Also, if you can reach the errant knight in Malaysia, you may be able to persuade him to tilt a few windmills for ya>>

Bobby called on my son’s birthday and spoke with him. It was a monumental moment.. why? Because they haven’t spoken for almost 2 years. Partly because I asked him NOT to call if he is going to make empty promises again. He took it literally.

Anyway, I am glad he called. Daniel needs to know that he really has a father – not a man in the photo.

What is the point of having a relationship if we already know the ending? Wouldn’t that be sort of anti-climactic? There is nothing more disappointing than to learn the end of a story even before we open the first page, or being told of the ending of a good movie as we stood in line to get in the cinema.

Is this what people called the ‘cross-road’ in a relationship – this nagging feeling and flashes of doubts that visit me even daytime now? Having survived 2 divorces and several heart aches, it really surprised me that I found “love” so easily. I did some character quiz some times ago (okay, go on.. laugh.. smirk..whatever..) and found that:

” You can develop deep emotions quickly, and you’re the type most likely to move in with someone after a few dates.”

What a letdown! Is it because I craved to be in a relationship and being with someone that i easily let myself to be engulfed in the very emotion that betrayed me over and over again? And to be embroiled with the men of similar characters and traits? Shouldn’t I feel the first alarm when I met them? I have promised myself over and again NOT to fall in love again, especially to someone that reminds me of someone in my past. I have deep suspicion that I haven’t been over with the previous relationships and that there were no closure at all. They just sorta… disappeared. Gone. Moved away. And I would be the one left behind, wondering in perplexity of how the feck did we end up this way.

How the heck we find enclosure for the past?

I guess its the little things that actually cause break ups – like accumulating dirts in your pockets that you are obliged to look into and clean it up. small things that you shrug off your shoulder, yet leaving such acidified asfter-taste in your mouth. Sometimes it doesnt take a big thing to make you feel like a total loser.

At least this is how i feel at the moment. my man is tearing down the house looking for the small scissor that my son had been playing the day before. the more he delves in the bins, the more inept i feel. the more unequipped i feel. he is quiet, going around the house, lifting papers and boxes, opening the drawer and go through the things. no, he doesnt have to make any sound. his silence is enough to tell me “Your son is uncontrollable”

And I – feeling incompetent by minutes long to shut out myself from the reality that yes my son is growing up and getting more pain in the ass by the day. yes, he does stupid things a 6 year old kid does. yes, he is trying out his muscle and ideas, translating his curiosity into actions. yes, he can be very trying most of the time.

But he is my son. as gullible at it sounds, i am trying my best to be his mother, his father, his friend, his playmate, his guide. i am not perfect, but i know i try.

The scissor – one small cutting device – it reminds me that no matter how much he loves me, my son is still some other man’s child.

And it makes me feel so sad… cos i really want to believe that we are a family and that he would be a good father to my son, but i dont know whether my son can be a good child for him.

Common definition stated that if you have never had sex with a member of the opposite sex, then you are indeed a virgin. Medically, if your hymen is intact, you are indeed a virgin. This is true for women, however men have no barometer what so ever to determined their virginity – if anything, if he had sex before, he would be “experienced” man. But no mention on virginity – no torn hymen or busted balls to prove they had done the deed. A woman who has her hymen torn are considered “less valuable” compared to a woman who has – regardless whether the hymen was torn due to sex, horse-riding, accident or naturally thin or non-existent. In this modern era, however, torn hymen can be caused by a number of tool – penis, dildos, fingers, baseball bat – even animal’s penis! Apart from that, some argued that virginity has more meaning rather than inserting penis (and what ever else in your mind) into vagina.

Most men I met and worked with insisted that their wives must be a virgin or that the women whom their relatives want to marry must one too. They said women owed it to them to be “pure” and “untouched” – it is their birthright. No one likes used materials. No body would eat apples with holes. Nevertheless there are also those who don’t mind experienced women to be their better halves. They thrived on the experiences their partner has, enjoying the skills acquired. Quite a few men I met are immediately interested with me once the knowledge that I am a divorcee reached them. Interest for the obvious. They want to reap the experience a woman has – and for some men, they believe they deserved experienced women as they have no time to teach and handle first-timer.

Many people who feel strongly about either side of this issue often make much of what a lover “owes” their partner. But for women do they have a choice? YES, I say. It’s not about what your partner wants or thinks you owed them – it is of what you owe YOURSELF. Why is it so important for others whether we should keep it or lose it? And these strangers are those who don’t matter in your life, some you haven’t even met! Why we should feel we owed anyone anything? We owe to ourselves what we want to be – a virgin or not – and to honestly believe that neither is dirty nor less loved or less able than the other. To say that you owe it to your partner turns a beautiful thing sexuality is into a binding obligation, a work or a job that you have to do for other’s benefit, and not to mention the damage result in low self confident in your own sexuality.
A woman should be allowed to be in touch wither inner-self – the want and need she should be experiencing. To feel like she owes other the very thing she should be experiencing freely is like slavery. She should be allowed to choose if she wants to lose her virginity – when and with whom – when she feels ready and able to judge on her free will and able to take responsibility of her action, and if she so desired to remain a virgin she must not be pressurised into thinking that she must lose her virginity simply because everybody else is doing it. No woman should be told whether or not she should lose or keep her virginity simply because somebody believes that her virginity is belong to him.

Therefore sex education is vital to give direction to women to learn, and to decide what is best for her and her body. To simply losing one virginity blindly and without guidance on her sexuality just because one feels it is her right is also a folly – especially for teenagers. Much knowledge must be learnt before taking such a deep plunge. Nevertheless, those who erred must not be shunned and frowned upon. Most often they are being tricked and pressurised into giving up their virginity. They need understanding and love, not jeer and contempt.

sorry for the long postings.. just need to let it known that being a virgin or not should be a choice of the woman herself

So its been a long while since i updated my blog.. my bad :p being a PS.. yawwwnnn too sleepy to write though have a lot in mind.. maybe later..